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Home » Great Library at Hoeth » Book of Tales » The Works of Arondight » The Ulthuan Inquirer
| The Ulthuan Inquirer |
| By Arondight |
((Could someone please merge the classified Ads into this thread as well? Thank you. This was inspired by a reading found on the Internet somewhere.))
SHADOW COUNCIL MAKES FORMAL APOLOGY FOR BRUTAL TREATMENT OF NON-ASUR.
Shadow-Walker Telladar, spokeself for the the Council of Shadows have expressed their formal regret and sorrow towards their repressive, often brutal treatments towards the druchii. Traditionally, large amounts of pain and suffering is handed out by the Shadow Warriors of Nargarythe in more than one way.
"Historically speaking, friends, we Nargarythians have always killed every druchii, human, dwarf, or whatever we happened to have to disagree with," the Shadow Walker said.
"And we're sorry. We feel deep anguish over having slaughtered every man, woman, and child in order to stamp out potential threats to Ulthuan. Please, our dear, wayward cousins, accept our sincere and heartfelt apology."
When asked if this expression of sorrow signaled a change in Shadow Warrior policy towards further treatments of the druchii, or any other potential prisoners of war, the Shadow Walker immediately replied, "Oh, hell no. We're still going to nail them to the side of cliffs and slaughter them all, of course. We're just going to feel sorry while we're doing it.
KARL FRANZ, FINUBAR, HIGH-KING TEAM UP IN SUPPRESSING ORKISH VICTORIES
The Emperor of Mankind, Karl Franz, the High King of Dwarves and the Phoenix King engaged in what seems to be the Inquirer a shifty endeavor to cover up potentially shameful conducts during the recent battles. The joint press conference strangely neglected to mention any orkish victories in the recently fought battles of the Green Carpet Lounge.
Gobbos representing several prominent Warbosses voiced their concern today through an alternate press conference, citing the fact that Orkish victories were ignored by the forces of Order. The Green Carpet Lounge resulted in a "massive massacre" as the Greenskin forces were pushed out of the Lounge and back into the First and second rooms, despite public knowledge that the Order armies barely won most of their engagements.
Several prominent heroes of the Order armies refused to participate or comment on the situation, which included Rev. Luthor Huss and Caradryan, the Captain of the Phoenix Guard. Though we suspect the reason for the latter's silence was simply because he couldn't talk without pronouncing someone's doom.
The Greenskin community, however, have quite a bit to say regarding the situation.
"We noo goin' in dat da 'oomies, stunties, an' da pointy earz wuz gunna mess wif da results," said one particularly disgruntled Warboss who declined to be named.
"Dis iz an disguterin' misrepursentgation ov da factz. We'z alwayz put da winz by da 'oomies an' dey friendz, iz it really too much to do da same?"
The Orcs demanded fair treatment in news coverages, a sentiment that the High Elves and Dwarves seem to be partially inclined to agree with. Emperor Karl Franz, however, remain unfazed, and voiced his objections to through a second press conference.
"There will always be a few whiners in the heathenish Ork community," the Emperor said.
"However, we hope that the majority understand that the devastating campaign of utter annihilation was conducted for their own benefit. Frankly, these paranoid greenskins can take their stupid gobbos and....[continued on page 12]"
World Bowl Line-Ups and Predictions
With the season games ready to kick off in only a few weeks, Alith Anar gives us his expert analysis - who will take home the Sacred Blood Cup of the World this year?
Hexoatl Raptors: The champion of last season, the Hexoatl Raptors are returning to defend their title. Lord Mazdamundi, the coach of the team feels extremely confident regarding the team's chances, especially since the recent ban on Kroxigors were lifted.
Athel Loren Spellweavers: A bit of bad luck this time around, especially since the majority of the games will be taking place in the forestless lands. However, the Asrai definitely have talent - as their passes and shots are virtually unmatched. In addition, the fact they took out two extremely talented teams - the Altdorf Wizards and the Khornate Warriors on their way here implies that we'll definitely be keeping an eye open for their performance this season.
Naggarothian Witches: With extremely skimpy uniforms, an all-female team, and ultra-violent ways to dispatch opponents, the Witches are a new favorite among fans. However, the new ruling on scoring may place a serious damper on the team's performance ability, as killing off every member of the opposing side within the first fifteen minutes is no longer considered to be a legitimate tactic.
Sylvania Bloodsuckers: Last year, the bloodsuckers did extremely well until the 3rd game, in which the entire team was unfortunately vaporized upon direct contact with the Caledorian Dragon Princes fielding beam lamps. Vampire Lords have since then lobbied for fair-and-safe conditions for their players. If this is the case, then the Bloocksuckers will have a solid defense this season, thanks to their ability to reuse and renew their front ranks.
Chracian Lions: The newest comers to the league, and considered to be a dark horse by many. No one knows what they're actually capable of, though the humiliating defeat (301:2) inflicted on the Caledorian Dragon Princes during the pre-season warmups says quite a bit about their abilities. With a good balance of offense and defense, and a coalition of mighty heroes, definitely keep an eye open for these sons of Chrace.
Karaz-a-Karak Miners: Last season was absolutely unremarkable for this veteran team, but with the inclusion of several prominent Rune-Lords, the Slayer Gotek, and some rumored to say Bugman himself, the Miners' line-up is looking good this season.
Caledorian Dragon Princes: The only time in the league's history to have two High Elven teams making the playoffs, the Caledorian Dragon Princes took second place last year but have since then tossed its team into an impressive training regime, especially after their sound defeat by the Chracian Lions during the pre-season games.
"This is personal now," the Dragon Prince manager replied to our reporter in the field. "We'll be showing the world that NO ONE insults the Dragon Princes and gets away with it."
The Dragon Princes are keeping their training methods under strict classification, though rumors are surfacing about bringing actual "mounts of yore" into the stadium. How the rest of the world, and the Lions in particular answer this will be for everyone to see.
da Green Boyz: It's been a while since any Orc team made the playoffs. However, after all the work they've done, it's worth it. Pushing out both the Bretonnian Unicorns and the Imperial Griffons during the playoffs, da Boyz is "going for da top," as one excited Goblin Shaman said. Expect a large turnout for the fans - as Orcs across the Warhammer world will be celebrating this amazing opportunity. Ticket prices for the first game against the Miners, their long-rivals are already sold out and fetching for upward of 3,500 teefs in the Orkish exchange.
ARCHAON: IMPERIAL DEFENSES SHOCKINGLY WEAK, RIPE FOR THE TAKING.
Honest, down-to-earth peasants all over the Empire of Man today are bracing for yet another Chaos campaign, as the Lord of the End Times has once again declared an "Unholy Crusade." Empire analysts are particularly worried that this battle will follow the trend begun by the Witch King's fourth attempt at sacking Ulthuan - plunging parts of Imperial provinces into perpetual war.
"The Empire is WEAK. ITS REALMS RIPE FOR THE TAKING. COME TO ME, MY BRETHREN. LET US MARCH TO WAR! AND YOU! PUNY MORTALS. FEAR THE WRATH OF CHAOS UNDIVIDED!"was Lord Archaon's response towards our field correspondents a few days ago. The correspondents have not been seen since.
"Will ye look at the size of 'em!" Said an Empire Analyst, who declined to be named. "For the past nine hundred years, the Empire of Man have never lost a single battle against the chaotic hordes. Then, some crazy ex-Witch Hunter Nutcase comes along and decides to sack cities - CITIES! I TELL YOU! SUCH A THING HAS NEVER HAPPENED. BUT WE SHALL PREVAIL. PREVAIL, I TELL YE!"
The Asur, however, were not so optimistic.
"During a recent conference, Emperor Karl Franz mentioned that he was "prepared to lose a village or two" to the forces of Chaos," said Loremistress Tinuvel, representative of the White Tower. "Somehow, I think the humans have once more severely underestimated the strengths of the opposition. Seriously? "a village or two?" If it weren't for some of our intervention, Altdorf would've been sacked by now -"
Tinuvel would have continued on with her comment, but a cadre of Witch Hunters quickly ended the press conference.
"We've been at war against the foul, inhuman races for years now," replied a spokersperson of the Emperor. "In all that time, our battles have had no results apart from the loss of a bunch of faceless and easily-replaced soldiers, most of whom we conscripted from our glorious cities. There is no reason to suspect that anything will be different in this war."
The citizens of Middenheim were unfortunately not available for comment....[cont. on page 14]
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The Ulthuan Inquirer - the finest news-source in all of the Old World!
>Tyrion denies relations with Handmaiden - [pg. 9]
>Short, bearded terrorists attack Hall of Gods, demands inclusion - [pg. 13]
>Bretonnian, Empire stock drop by 13%, Druchii companies shaken by economic downturn - [pg. 3]
GREEN BOYZ DELIVER MASSIVE UPSET IN WORLD BOWL
Thousands of excited Greenskins flooded onto the stadium floor as the bells tolled, signaling the end of the first game and a win of 211-209 for the Boyz.
"It wuz un-belivuable!" Roared a Warboss who was watching. "I wuz afraid that da minerz boyz would take down da boyz with un landslide viktory!"
The scene was set for an epic opening as the Miner got within centimetres of their opponents while performing their traditional pre-game demonstrations. Runes of amazing power glowed in the chilly air as the stones themselves shook. The Greenskin team replied with a massive brawl. It set up the sort of grandstand finish tournament officials had been craving after the Miners have romped and crushed every single opponent in the preliminary rounds with massive win margins over every opponent.
Fears of a landside Miner win evaporated after a committed first two quarters from both sides, with neither side giving an inch of ground to their opponents. However, Da Boyz were arguably their own worst enemies early on with Pigstikka suffering critical injuries from a well-placed Knee-shot from Gloin Stonehand.
The dwarves, presenting themselves in a 1:19:1 formation had solid defenses the first quarter. Things were looking bad for Da Boyz as Gotrek, renowned slayer whizzed pass by, scoring with every pass he made. It was not until the giant Brainbeata accidentally scored a goal by falling onto the dwarves that the Greenskin team's fortune began to turn.
Using their unique height advantage, da Boyz simply kept the ball atop their heads as the last two quarters of the game turned into a classical desperate stand by the dwarves, who struggled to intercept and stop the Greenskins from scoring. Finally, giving up, the Miners retorted by bashing kneecaps.
da Boyz's star player and captain, Koric Skullbasha had a stunning first half, scoring 110 out of the 211 points for da Boyz. Setting up assists for the team's heavy lobbaz - Curbstompa and Axehacka, he chanced his club-arm one too many times and his last throw ended in a total disaster. Flicking the ball infield ten metres from his own line, the Black Orc watched in horror as Slayer Gotrek pounced on the ball, axed down four of his linemen and pulled the score back to 200 - 209 with one fell swoop.
As the Slayer ran past their lines yet again, it was up to Quickfingas, the lone goblin defender left on the Greenskin side to stop the Miners.
"Quickfingas ain't too smart, no sirs! But Quickfingas iz shaman and shamans iz da best at experimentin'" said Quickfingas during an after-game interview. "But Quickfingas knew that it was all or nuthin' so 'e did wut 'e think waz da best for da team!"
Apparently, judicial and unique usage of Gork's Stompin' Foot kicked Gotrek, ball and all into the Dwarven scoring zone.
Loremaster Teclis, the acting line judge (after an unfortunate incident that incapacitated the Fey Enchantess, details on page 28)called a time out, and after some time conferring with co-judges the Green Knight, Mannfred Von Carstein and the Grey Seer declared the move was legal and awarded the Greenskin Team the full 11 points noted by the Rulebook (rule can be found under flying projectiles and scoring, section V lines XVI-XXI), bringing their score up to 211, resoling in an amazing last-minute win.
The Dwarves, however, were not convinced. A furious Gotrek had to be restrained by the Temple Guard security personnel as he tried to kill the Loremaster for making such an "outrageous, biased and pointy-eared calling."
Massive underdogs heading into the match, the (da) Green Boyz pulled off the biggest upset in World Bowl history today as the Miners suffered their first loss in the season.
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The Ulthuan Inquirer - the finest news-source in all of the Old World!
PHOENIX GUARD OPEN UP CHAIN OF RAPID SMALL EDIBLE-ITEM DELIVERY OVERNIGHT
Ulthuan Press - Hundreds of small, stylish, yet distinctively Asuryan buildings cropped up all over Ulthuan today.
As tantalizing aromas erupted from within the temple-like restaurants, one can only wonder what happened within. Sadly, reporters were unable to get detail, as a pair of Phoenix Guard denied the entrance to outsiders.
What's more, the Phoenix Temple seemed to have disappeared overnight.
"I mean, it was certainly abnormal," commented a local sea guard, who routinely delivered materials and food items to the Guard. "I went on my usual delivery trip the other day and bam! No more Phoenix Guard! Gone just like that!
When I came back home, I found a miniature sized temple right outside my house! What's more, I'm sure that it belonged to the Guard - it's even got those huge arch-looking wing things over it."
The Asur Rune for Phoenix and rebirth resembled an inverted 'M' in the human alphabet, the common language of the old world. The Ulthuan Press also recorded that Caradryan, Captain of the Phoenix Guard was seen delivering a note to the Phoenix King. Though his flamy handwriting was hard to decipher, the Loremasters did settle on a suitable translation. The note read:
"Currently available only for delivery. For-here business open on the 24th."
It appeared that the Phoenix Guard have somehow established a fast-food delivery network overnight, with a perfect deliverance rate.
"It was like, totally unbelievable!" Squeaked a Handmaiden when we interviewed her in the Palace of Avalon. "We were like, totally wanting some onion circles and garden green wraps when this, like, totally serious looking dude wearing this totally funky pointy winged helmet showed up and, like, handed us a bag with all this food in it!"
Elves all over Ulthuan have reported strange occurrences of Phoenix Guard showing up with the exact food items that they were thinking of buying. The Phoenix Guard seem to extract the payment magically as well, as it just happened to be whatever the fair Vaulian market price is.
"Zis iz emprezzive," commented an Ellyrian Patrol Captain. "Now zee boyz can get 'ot food vunever, verever!"
The Phoenix Guard remains totally silent, so we are unable to find out the exact mechanism in which they used to deliver food. One thing is certain, however: it appears that the Phoenix Guard do appreciate a small tip of gratitude, be it silver or pastry or a small peck on the cheeks by a grateful small child.
"I mean, normally they just walk out. Well, being a mom and all, I just can't let them do that," answered one mother of two when asked how she figured this out. "The poor boys! They all look so thin and fragile. Anyways, normally, they remain passive. But if I hand them a cookie or something, they give a grim little smile and nod. I know that must have touched something - see, they are elven, after all! I don't know how they can do it so fast, but I sure do appreciate them coming!"
As for the delivery speed, mages at the White Tower think it has something to do with Asuryan and the Chamber of Days.
"Well, of course it makes sense. If they can see their own deaths, I don't see why they can't see what we wanted to have for dinner," said one college of the High Loremaster as the Council met for its daily strategic meeting. "What we're interested in is how, and why they're doing this."
Loremaster Teclis, however, had a different goal in mind. Chewing contently on his Phoenix (trademark) Burger, the Loremaster commented.
"With such an amazing system of delivery, I would suggest that they open this chain up and expand it over seas. Do you have any idea what they could do to the Empire or Dwarven economy? Jobs, I tell you, jobs! Jobs and massive influx of income! This could be the thing that saves Ulthuan's international trade!"
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The Ulthuan Inquirer - the finest news-source in all of the Old World!
>Imperial Magic College Tuition increase by 55%, analysts say - [pg. 8]
>Skaven Primary Elections and Proposed Results - [pg. 11]
>Chaos Sorcerers find cure for cancer - [pg. 13]
LORD SNEEK PROMISES CHANGE IN SKAVEN INAUGURATION SPEECH
Ulthuan Press - The newly elected Lord Sneek revealed grandiose plans today in a speech given at the annual Skaven Election Inauguration after a violent incident that seemed to have incinerated most of the Council of Thirteen.
"Thank you to the citizens of the Sewer, the Skaven people, and the Grey Seers for allowing me to speak before you today," the wizened Lord spoke. "Tonight, I speak to you not as a candidate for Seerlord, but as a fellow Skaven, a fellow who shares in your ideologies - the total and complete destruction of everyone and everything else.
Tonight is the evidence of change! And change was what I promised. The dead bodies of my political rivals before you show you this much.
If there is anyone out there who still doubt that the Sewers is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dreams of our founders is alive in our time, who still question the power of our good, Skaven democracy, tonight is your answer. The doubters will also answer to my personal guard shortly after this.
Fellow Skaven, I will never forget who this victory truly belong to. Me, of course, for eliminating all of my rivals. But it also belong to you. With a promising message of change and a healthy dose of fear, you helped me to make this possible.
I did not draw endorsements from Clan Pestiliens or Mors, or those who had power in the Council. No, I drew my endorsements from you, the miserable, common, and fairly boring members of our race. Thank you for swelling our ranks of cannon fodder troops. Thank you to those whom I have forcibly enslaved to work the warpfire throwers day and night. Thank you, brave Gutter Runners who managed to outrun certain death from behind and delivered it to the enemy. Thank you, with your deaths you have my undying gratitude.
This is your victory. Or rather, it's my victory but since I now lord over you, this can be your victory as well.
And you know I didn't do this just to win an election. I certainly didn't do it for you, but you did it anyways because you understand the enormity of the tasks that lie ahead - and the alternatives of not voting for me.
Even as we stand here tonight, we know there are brave Skaven waking up in the jungles of Lustria and the mountains of Karak-a-Zarak to risk their lives for us. There are mothers and fathers who will lie awake after the children fall asleep and wonder how they'll make the mortgage or pay their alchemist' bills or save enough for their child's arcane education. There's new energy to harness, new horrorss to be created, new weapons to build, and new alliances to break.
The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even in one term. But, my people, I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. Someday. Our dream of total world domination, or failing that, total world annihilation...
I promise you, we as a people will get there. We. Because I know I'll run out of troops long before that were it not for you. I will always be honest with you about the challenges I face in keeping you in check. I will listen to you, especially when you seem to agree. And, above all, I will ask you to join in the ranks of my elite army, the only way it's been done in the Sewers for 221 years - training each recruit whisker by whisker, claw by claw, and tail by tail.
So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism, of responsibility, where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after my interests. Let us remember that, if this financial crisis taught us anything, it's that we cannot have a thriving Junk Street while Poison Street suffers.
In this country, we rise or fall as one nation, as one people. Except for me. Let us resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for as long that I rule. You may squabble after that.
Remember that it was a rat from this clan who first carried the banner of Clan Eshin to the Council of Thirteen, a clan founded on the values of assassinations and backstabbing, of ruthlessness and naturalistic selection, of ideals that the strong survives and the weak dies. Those are values that we all share. Good, solid Skaven values that goes all the way back to our initial freak creation.
My fellow Skaven; we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves - if our children should live to see the next year; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Old Seer Thanquol, what change will they see? What progress will we have made? What new ways of bringing death and destruction will we have discovered?
This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment.
This is our time, to burn the Empire to cinders! To slice and dice the Bretonnian nobility and their haughty knights. This is our time to raze the forests of Athel Loren and remove the Wood Elves permanently. This is our time to retake the Warpstone Reserves in the Chaos Mountains! This is our time to regain what should be rightfully ours! We shall raid the distant lands of Cathay and Nippon; we shall bend the Counts to our will. We will loot the temple-cities of Lustria and destroy the foul terrorist that is known as "Sotek." Finally, when all is ready, we shall set forth and claim Ulthuan, the everdistant Utopia and turn it into a nightmarish realm of death and decay. Then the world will be ours!
I work, on behalf of myself (and by proxy, you all) to reclaim the Skaven dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth, that, out of many, there can only be one on top at any given moment. I am here to continue the truth, the truth that while we breathe, we kill and backstab each other all the time. Remember, my fellow Skaven, that there is really no "we" in our glorious country. There is only "I" and temporal alliances. It is with this, a return to our roots that we will take over the world. Or failing that, we shall take the world down with us.
Thank you. The Horned Rat bless you. And the Horned Rat bless the United Clans of Skavendom!"
The Seerlord's speech was met with wild enthusiasm, as thousands of Clan Rats showed up to the event, chanting "Squee Sqeee Eeek!*" and waving banners of the Seerlord. At any rate, the bitter civil war seemed to have receded for at least a few days. What will happen to the clans next is anyone's guess.
A. Anar, our field correspondent seemed to think that war is emminent and have warned the nearby nations. He was met with derision from the Bretonnians and currently awaits bail in the Empire as he was arrested for "spreading untruthful heresy."
Phoenix King Finubar was not available for comment, as he is currently in emergency meeting with the Council of Princes as well as the Council of War. At any rate, at least one leader of the world took Anar's comments seriously.
*Squee Sqeee Eeek roughly translates to "Yes we can" in Formal Skavensqueak.
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The Ulthuan Inquirer - the finest news-source in all of the Old World!
>Priest of Sigmar discover "Heresy Gene," wins Bugman Prize- [pg. 9]
>Malekith denies abusing menial laborers, says press biased against druchii - [pg. 10]
>Lustrian Airstrikes target Asur settlement- [pg. 14]
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((As a note, if any of the random titles seem interesting, please send me a message if you're curious.  I'm sure correspondent Anar will be more than happy to share with you his findings. ))
THORGRIM'S ADDRESS TO THE CLANS DISRUPTED BY LONE MINER.
Ulthuan Press - High King Thorgrim's address to the clans - a once-per-dwarf-lifetime speech that many dwarves believe will jumpstart the slumping metal economy, initiate the stamping out of grudges, and serve as one of the most memorable moments of dwarven history - was ruined today by nearly two hours of incessant pick-axing.
According to Hammer Glordin Stoneshaper, the disruptive noise came from the nearby mithril mine, where a lone dwarven miner was using a rune-powered great pick to break apart the hardened stones in order to add more to the High King's personal treasury. The extremely loud noise was made worse, as it echoed inside the mountains.
"My Kinsmen, fellow dw-*BANG*" began the High King, who then stopped when he and the 1.3 million dwarves present were startled by extremely loud, metal-on-stone banging."fellow *BANG* dwa...*BANG*dwa...fell-*BANG*"
"Is that a pickaxe I hear?" Thorgrim added, amid the banging.
Though the High King first acknowledged the incessant pickaxing with an impromptu compliment, saying, "Well, I know that's one good dwarf there - hard working, such a good chap," the typically composed grudge-bearer grew gradually more and more annoyed as it became clear that this thumping was not going to stop any time soon.
Thorgirm appeared most frustrated about halfway through his speech when vibrations from the strikes set off a dozen nearby wagon alarms, drowning out the High King's attempt to describe his vision for the Dwarven future in a changing world.
"If the good miner currently hammering away can hear me, please stop," the High King asked at approximately six minutes into his speech. "Seriously, please stop."
The unrelenting pounding caused the normally serious High King to sigh or roll his eyes a combined 31 times, most notably during an eloquent segment concerning his "lifelong desire to avenge all the wrongs of the dwarven people and settle 40% of all grudges by 2049."
During a particular loud spell of thuds, Thorgrim muttered, "Oh, come on!"
Footage of the event shows that when the High King tried to explain that dwarven pride can be used to rebuild their lost kingdom, he was interrupted not only by the miner, but also several prominent runesmiths and thanes who shouted "Speak up, High King," "Louder!" and "We can't hear you over all the pickaxing!"
At one point during the address, the High King stopped talking entirely and left the podium for nearly ten minutes. When he returned, he asked the restless crowd of dwarves for calm and understanding.
"Okay, so, it looks like he's not going to stop the mining because apparently, he had sworn an Oath to me something like eighty years ago to finish his work," The High King told the massive group, many of whom had already began to walk to their wagons.
Helplessly waving the Book of Grudges, he pointed at a particular entry. "Yeah, he's right. He did have a grudge to complete. Sorry, kinsmen. I'll try to speed through it."
A transcript stolen by A. Anar, chief correspondent of the Ulthuan Press revealed that the High King ultimately cut his speech short by something like 19 pages, omitting a section about the War of the Beard, a point-by-point explanation of his strategic plan to retake the Eight Peaks mountains, and an economic plan regarding the current downward slump of the metal market.
According to correspondent Anar, one of the lasting images he took during the speech was a picture of Gotrek the slayer, seated a mere five feet behind the High King, cupping his ears in a desperate attempt to hear what the High King was saying.
"You know, these Clan addresses have always brought us, and the world inspirational moments in dwarven history; reminders that the dwarves were a noble and good race much like our own," Anar said. "Grombrindal, the White Dwarf's speech stirred our spirits; Josef Bugman encouraged the dwarves to ask themselves what can they do for the rest of the Old World. Maybe it was the alcoholic drinks, but countless young elves jumped at his message and went on to become productive members of our society, if only to show that we can be better than the dwarves."
"And of course, High King Thorgrim now offers his own rousing message," Anar continued. "Bang bang bang clink bang bang smash clink bang bang bang, bang bang bang bang bang bang bang."
Those in attendance agreed that it was nearly impossible to make out a single sentence of the address.
"I wanted to leave the speech with a feeling that this dwarf was a beacon of hope, that he was going to lead us out of the doldrums and into a bold new beginning," said Gimli, who brought his entire clan from the crystal caves to hear the great speech. "You know, I thought he was going to take us to a future where dwarves are respected and not used as sheer comic relief or cheap gunlines in fictionalized tabletop games."
"But, I couldn't hear a Grungni-damned thing."
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The Ulthuan Inquirer - the finest news-source in all of the Old World!
>Mechanized Sea Guard raze Chaos fortress with laser eyes, demand retribution- [pg. 4]
>Green Knight reveals new economic stimulus package for Bretonnian peasants - [pg. 8]
>Arch-Lector declares state of emergency, "EVERYONE IS A HERETIC!"- [pg. 14]
NEW DORMITORY STRUCTURE, POLICIES IN WHITE TOWER
Ulthuan Press - In an example of decisively rapid change, the White Tower of Hoeth have decided to tighten policies and restructure their dormitories into something "more appropriate."
The action came about after several events, including a scandal involving female mage trainees in the Silva'ra wing posting "Less than appropriate" illusoclips on the Ulthuan Wide Web, an unexplained explosion in the Wuxi Tower that sprouted leek over a three hundred mile radius, and a drunken rampage by a group of Swordmasters practicing the "Drunken Duck style" at 4 A.M.
Calling the trend "a black mark on academia," Loremasters from more than 300 departments were crammed in High Loremaster Teclis' small office to address the growing problems of "drunken sword juggling" and "out-of-control, sexy White Tower sisters baring it all for the cameras."
Brandishing one of the illusodiscs, Tinuvel, Mistress of the Department of Life said, "I CANNOT believe what goes on behind my back! I mean, my girls are all bright-eyed, kind-mannered sweethearts. I simply cannot believe this. They do THAT? HERE?"
Bel-Shannar, Senior instructor of Swordsmenship said nothing, though he was in a full body cast and had to be wheelchaired around in order for him to attend the meeting. Bel-Shannar was one of the most recent victims of Drunken Duck, a truly vicious style of forbidden martial arts that can only be practiced while imbibing the Brew of Asuryan, a 350 proof alcoholic drink specifically brewed by the Phoenix Temple.
Aethelle, Assistant Director of the Secondary Academy of Fencing spoke on the Swordmaster's behalf, citing numerous incidents in which "Daiahiru Tsurugi Shinken," or literally, "Drunken God-Sword of the Great Duck" caused significant damage to the White Tower's reputation.
"Yeah, the occasional decapitation or drunken torching of towns is generally accepted within the community," she said. "It's when things like that begin to happen on a daily basis ..."
For dramatic emphasis, she presented a small, jagged piece.
"This," she murmured, "is the leftover piece from a solid, 50-ft tall Ithirmar statue of the High Loremaster. The statue was found in small pieces the next day - this is the largest bit we could find.
You can imagine that the city wasn't too happy about that."
The White Tower, in a public declaration have placed appropriate wards along the boundaries of the Tower in addition to promising greater security protocols on its networks.
High Loremaster Teclis granted a personal interview, though declined to present a full housing plan. What he did was that he managed to fuse all of the separate chapter houses, circles, councils, and training areas into one large complex, divided only by floors. Everything was "equalized," with the formally all-male and female wings merged into one section.
When asked about the strange co-ed arrangement, Teclis sighed in exasperation and seemed to be on the verge of losing his temper.
"Look, I've explained this to my staff, the Temple, to the Phoenix King, and now you too?" the disgruntled High Loremaster said. "We've been over this, I think. But very well. Do you know what we spend most of the security budget and building repair funding on?"
Conjuring a glass window and shattering it with a flick, the High Loremaster continued.
"Replacing windows on one specific building - the all-female Magus Sophitias dormitory because of a constant stream of break ins by "daring" students desperate to get some action.
Basically, most of our male trainees view that there is something strangely erotic about a large number of nubile young female elves living together, each of them bedding down virginally clutching their stuffed lions or phoenixs or what-have-you close to their Cathayan lingerie-clad, pulsating bodies[long string of rant here]....
While the image is ...well, rather accurate, this, by no means, is respectful behavior. Which is why we had to put a stop to it "
When Correspondent Anar expressed concern regarding the relative safety of the Magus Sophitias wing, Teclis casually brushed it off.
"Seriously. The girls are more than capable of repelling unwanted attention - in fact, I believe they've turned it into a full-fledged academic sporting organization [Editor's note: This is known among the students as the popular "Round Table of Anti-Perversion]. We also spend a large amount in the medicine budget treating related injuries, so that's an added benefit.
Discipline is paramount here, in the White Tower of Hoeth. The Housemasters and Security personnel personally make sure that perpetrators are punished appropriately.
It's good for both the students and us, really - can you imagine all the paperwork we have to review for every incident?"
Pulling out a stack of various documents, the High Loremaster smiled sardonically as he pointed to a particularly regally framed letter bearing the House Insignia of one of the Great Houses of Caledor.
"Yeah, this is all from last week. Oh, that? That's actually something new - the Caledorian family threatened to sue the school because the pride and dignity of their firstborn was slighted by...ah, here it is. Let's see...yeah, a magically amplified kick launching said student something like 900 feet into the air after an unsuccessful grapple attempt....
Retrieving a briefcase and shoving it in Correspondent Anar's direction with his foot, Teclis casually folded it up and popped it into the overflowing box.
"You know, the school protects its own. Furthermore, the bastard was deserving it anyways - you can't blame my students for defending themselves. The complaints? Oh, I forward it down to one of the departments and send them a nice letter telling them department X or Y, usually disciplinary actions or registar's handing it and forget about it."
When asked about whether or not he considered that to be responsible behavior, the Loremaster merely shrugged and told Correspondent Anar that "each to his own, really."
The White Tower of Hoeth is the world's top institution of arcane education and houses the world's largest collection of tomes.
The full transcript of the Loremaster's Interview can be found here
----
The Ulthuan Inquirer - the finest news-source in all of the Old World!
>Giant Mechanized Sea Guard Terrorize Chaos Wastes- [pg. 6]
>WORLD BOWL news: shocking! - [pg. 11]
>Dogs of War go on collective strike, demand better wages- [pg. 13]
TEMPLE-ARMIES OF LUSTRIA MUSTERED, FULFILLING PROPHECY OF MAHRUACHAN
Ulthuan Press - Every single pyramid city's army was mustered today as the Lizardmen marched onward to fulfill the plans of the old ones.
Spreading their forces out in a wide, sweeping arch, the ground shook as mighty Stegadons stomped across the land and legions of blue-scaled warriors inched forth. One can only wonder how they managed to transport them across the oceans.
Curiously, unlike the times before, the Servants of the Old Ones are not looking to attack a particular Chaos site or to seize slave-sacrifices for the Temple. Rather, they seemed to be hell-bent on obtaining one thing only. This item is the mundane of the mundane, yet clearly, the Old Ones must have demanded it in their mysterious messages.
This is a common food item easily obtainable in large quantities in the dorms of every student of the White Tower. For us Asur, the term is known as "Reh'malan," or commonly known as "Ramen" in short. A type of instant floury edible item which is easily prepared by adding water. Magically enchanted to keep flavor, the Reh'malan is blostered with a host of freeze-dried goodies including sausage, eggs, leeks, green onions, and the like. Hundreds of tomes have been written on its creation, and its invention predates the founding of Ulthuan. Some say even date back to the days of the Old Ones themselves.
So far, the Lizardmen host have already sailed across the Great Sea, landing on Imperial and Elven settlements alike. Always with one goal: seizing Reh'malan.
"Yes, yes, it was quite curious," Percy Noodletwister, the owner of the popular Elzam's chain (Currently facing dire competition from the Phoenix Temple) commented as he wiped his brow. Behind him, the machineries of the InstaNoodle, (A much inferior, human version of Reh'malan) whirled furiously as two heavily armed Temple Guard prodded him to get back to work.
"I mean, seriously. You have these scary eight-foot-tall things of muscle and scaly sinew marching into your town. Their huge frog-king blows up every last one of the city guard. And what they want? Noodles! NOODLES. Can you believe that -"
"RAaagh, RAAA HAAARRR!" The Temple Guards roared, pointing to the machines nearby.
"Of - of course," Elzam squeaked, plunging more dough into the machines.
Correspondent Anar was unable to converse with most of the Sacred Host. The Slann refused to discuss with a clearly inferior being, and the Skink Priests were too busy scurrying around attending to the Slann to be of any use. Luckily, the Shadow King was able to secure an interview with Skink Chief Tiktaq-To, the Eye of Heavens. [Editor's note: That's the name of an actual skink chief. I kid you not.]
It is through talking with this venerable warrior that Anar managed to understand what was going on. At the age of 103, Chief Tiktaq-To is a master of aerial combat. Wearing the mighty Mask of Heavens proudly, Tiktaq-To revealed the full extent of the old one's plans.
"Warm-Blood," the Skink Chief quipped while nibbling on a bowl of freshly steaming beef Reh'malan. "Do you know Revelations of Mahruachan?"
When Anar shook his head, the Skink Chief smiled. His teeth glinted in the sunlight as he continued, slurping noodles while he was talking. TikTaq-To said that the Revelations of Mahruachan was a recently discovered plaque found in the Dragon Islands, a Nexus in the Great Ward that was thought to have been long lost. The Revelation was found by a particularly brave Skink Priest, who brought it back to the Slann Mage-Priests.
The Revelations of Mahruachan is one of the newest prophecies of the Old Ones - composed merely years before the Great Catastrophe, the disaster that almost destroyed the known world.
Normally, it takes years for the Slann Mage-Priests to reach a conclusion regarding the prophecy as they sit in their dreamlike slumber, contemplating on the Old One's cryptic messages.
This message, however, was pretty clear.
"Gar*, Warm-Blood, I never see Slann declare so fast!" Tiktaq-To continued. "This great prophecy of Old One, part of Great Plan, save world from Chaos!"
When Anar asked what exactly the prophecy was, the Skink Chief had one simple answer.
"Get more ramen."
Incredulous, the Shadow King asked if he heard the Skink right. In response, Tiktaq-To flashed him a dirty look and pulled out a small carving from the folds of his feathered robes.
"Slann give this copy of Prophecy to all Skink Chiefs, Braves, and Priests, so they look at Old One and Great Plan. Part of new Slann-Saurus-Skink Equal Opportunity No Discrimination Policy."
Pointing to the intricate inscription of the Lizardmen Runes, the Skink Chief continued.
"Look. So simple! One line only. Dumb Kroxigor can figure out."
(For your convenience, the corresponding Elven runes have been printed below the illusoscanned image of the Prophecy of Mahruachan.)
"See, Warm Blood?" Tiktaq-To muttered. "Old One Plans very clear, very precise. No confusing mumble-jumble. No am-bigu-ous big word. Even Slann say so. Clearer than ever before, so clear even Skink understand! Old One CLEARLY say, "More Ramen."
When asked what the Old Ones, or the Lizardmen planned to do with all the ramen, the Skink Chief seemed confused.
"What you mean what do with ramen? Old One Plan. Slann follow, and Skink follow slann. Tiktaq-To not wise enough to answer question!"
Excusing himself because he needed to "further plan of Old One," Tiktaq-To concluded the interview, leading a band of Terradon riders as they launched another swift assault. This time, the band is expected to hit Our Lady's Daily Pasta, a small but well-known Bretonnian restaurant.
According to extremely conservative estimates, the Lizardmen have currently amassed no less than fourteen million metric tons of the stuff,and is currently gathering more.
Students at the White Tower are hastily assembling defenses in response to the incoming threat.
"The Loremasters say the Servants of the Old Ones aren't a threat," Niniane, a high-ranking student at the Tower said. "So that means they won't do a thing to stop them."
Muttering an incantation, Niniane expertly placed another ward on her precious stockpile.
"But we care, you know? Do you know how inconvenient it is to walk to the dining facilities? Do you know how good it is to wake up with a steaming, fragrant softsheet cup before you begin your daily studies? I don't care what the Loremasters say - we're defending our stash with our lives, if necessary."
This sentiment was echoed by almost all of the students and quite a few staff members as the frenzied preparations at the White Tower continued. At the same the time, the mighty temple-legions of Lustria march onward, seizing all Reh'malan in order to further the mysterious plans of the Old Ones.
...Whatever they may be.
*Skink for Yes or Aye. A note of affirmation.
~~~~~~~
The Ulthuan Inquirer - Finest news-source of the Old World!
>First taken Bretonnian male child returned by the Fey- [pg. 3]
>Sigmar proclaims return, "Just a little bit longer" - [pg. 7]
>Tomb King Settra discover Botox- [pg. 10]
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