"Mayday"

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Burning Sun
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"Mayday"

#1 Post by Burning Sun »

"Mayday, mayday, mayday. This is the trader ship 'Vorosh' requesting immediate aid. We are under attack by pirates, can anybody hear me?"
There was silence on the comm. Junior comms officer Doyle tried again.
"Mayday, mayday, mayday. I repeat. This is the trader ship Vorosh. Surely there's someone out there that can help?"
The comm was still silent. Doyle could hear what he assumed were the pirates clanking around somewhere far below him.
Doyle fiddled around with the panel in the cramped access tunnel he was in, and managed to switch on a voice recorder, so he was now recording as well as transmitting.
"This is an emergency distress call from the trader ship Vorosh. We've been boarded by pirates, and unless someone can help, they will eventually find me. Our location is 112 mark 179 from alliance station Echo 65, 3 days 7 hours out at a speed of 4.2 galactic units, I'm afraid I don't know what that is in distance.
"The Vorosh is a custom built trader transport. We have 72 decks, and are 2.4 miles long. The regular crew compliment is 47. The senior communications officer is dead. My name is Andy Doyle, I'm the junior officer.
"I repeat, this is an emergency distress call from the trader ship 'Vorosh', if anyone can hear me, please respond"
There was still silence, Doyle wondered if he were transmitting.
"You know, I could be in here for hours, waiting for someone to come help. You see, I'm trapped in one of the access tunnels. I've got this comms panel and computer access in front of me and there's a bulkhead door behind, where the first officer sealed me in. He thought that if I were sealed in here, I could get help while the senior staff fought off the pirates.
"You know, I didn't used to have claustrophobia, I used to be just fine with small spaces, but then I usually had an exit route planned. Yet as I stay in here, it's starting to feel more and more like a grave."
Doyle continued to ramble for an hour or more, it was hard to tell in the dim tunnel. He could still hear the noises elsewhere on the ship. Eventually, he broadcast the general distress one last time, and then fell asleep.
...
There was a bang on the door, and Doyle awoke sharply. He virtually whispered into the comm panel, still on.
"Mayday, this is junior officer Doyle aboard the trader ship Vorosh. Someone has found me, and is trying to break into my hiding hole. Please respond?"
With a bang and a crash, explosives had been used on his door, and Doyle tried to make himself as small as possible in the tiny corridor. The door was opened, but Doyle could see only smoke. There was the clink of an object being thrown in, against the floor, and then the door was shut again. Doyle had only a fraction of a second to recognise the shape of the grenade before it exploded.
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Uther Di Asturien
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Re: "Mayday"

#2 Post by Uther Di Asturien »

Keep going :D
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Prince_Asuryan
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Re: "Mayday"

#3 Post by Prince_Asuryan »

Well...

So far, it is, in my opinion, very average.

I know its harsh, but there are several issues I would address.

1. Nothing wrong with the writing style - I DO like it, and the idea of a a sort off mixture between first and third person perspective works well for me.

2. However, the use of an almost 1st person description of the ship ruins it for me. A guy sending out a distress call from a ship surrounded by pirates wouldn't (in my opinion) provide ship schematics, dimensions or provide details of how he was secured - he'd be too busy trying to get help. It just seems weird that so soon into the boring he would be telling his life story.


I know this sounds negative, and I apologies, but I'm trying to be helpful. I find the style ect. very good, but the speed at which it has moved already, and the change of tone, per se, has kinda changes how I read it...

not too discourage you, and I hope to see more soon... :?
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Bloodcrusader
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Re: "Mayday"

#4 Post by Bloodcrusader »

Cool. If that's the start and end of it, it seems to be focused on Doyle and his building fear in that claustrophobic tunnel. You're doing a good job describing his fear with the dialogue, but try adding a description of his voice - perhaps a heavy breathing between statements? Feeling sick from the cramped, possibly dank and foul tunnel?
And depending on the tunnel, which you didn't decribe too much, maybe there's an unlikely way he avoids the blast? Just a thought. Maybe an old and forgotten defence system that's either a part of the tunnel or the transmitter, or since it is a tunnel, maybe there's a hidden path somewhere near him that he's dragged into (by...).
Courage hath long lost its name
When heroine ousted silence
Though it waits, 'till the stars devour
Or the lost reclaims his hour
Of ages long past, before past is no more.
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